sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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