I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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