My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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