Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
