I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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