I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
