I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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