Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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