he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He shit in the fireplace
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
