Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
