I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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