When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
