You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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