Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He had one of those small greek statue penises
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
