Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
