sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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