Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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