are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
