ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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