i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
