I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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