So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
