I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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