I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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