It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You pole danced in your parka.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
