a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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