I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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