walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
