At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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