i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
