wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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