I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
