Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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