i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
