i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
