the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
