I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I want her autograph on my taint
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
