Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
