I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
