Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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