neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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