If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
