I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
