remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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