I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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