the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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