when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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