I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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