I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
