um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
